Restless

I am restless. Like really, really restless.

My body can’t keep still and my mind won’t take a break. I’m done with school for the year. I’m on a break from running. No more late night meetings and early morning wake up calls. I can finally take a break. I thought this was what I was waiting for.

But it’s been 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS. That’s long enough of a break for me. It really is. People who work hard deserve breaks. I worked hard. I took my break. And now I need to be doing something again. I don’t need a break anymore. I haven’t done anything to deserve a break.

There’s an old Italian saying that goes “Il dolce far niente” . It means “the sweetness of doing nothing”. Well, I’ve had my share of sweetness. I can’t stand the sweetness anymore. It’s making me sick. I wish I could act more Italian and enjoy this sweetness…. and believe me, I’ve tried. It just drives me crazy in the end.

So, I’m making a plan. I’m doing something I never thought I would do. And I’m not doing it because I have no other choice or because this is the end of the line for me. I’m doing it because God works the most effectively when we lay our dreams down and pick up what He’s holding out.

Through the last 3 years and past months and weeks and days, I have learned something. I learned that:

If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be from your house to old bitter resentments) and set out on a truth seeking journey either internally or externally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue & accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some VERY difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you. 

Given my experiences, I can’t help but believe this. And even more importantly, I can’t help but believe that this truth is Jesus. And He will set me free.

Free from this restlessness.

I’m ready to sick my head out of a car window, let my hair loose and enjoy that feeling of freedom.

Let’s just go somewhere. Let’s do things and live life and meet people and not think about food until we are hungry or where we will lay our heads until we are tired.

Let’s free our minds from this restless bondage of the GREAT UNKNOWN.

Besides, There’s a GREAT FOREVER awaiting.

Shalom & Much Love

Annette <3

Pacific Baby

Tonight, the skinniest sliver of ivory shot out through the shape of a backwards “C”, that made the moon.

As the blue canopy above me lost it’s color, the clearer the moon shone, and it was a beautiful moment. We were out in the country; literally, the country. It was better than any cover of Home and Garden magazine I had ever seen. This 200 year old house, with its gorgeous wrap around porch and swinging benches, stood solid between vibrant green hills. An old barn stood off to the side and a small creek made its way through the shrubs that cascaded off the one lane road. No other houses were in sight. No other light, except the light of the moon and the first speckled stars were visible. I felt as though if I were to ignore that first shining star, I would be defying the purpose of “once upon a time” or “happily ever after”. So tonight, I gazed into the great sky and made a wish.

After that wish was made, my mind slowly came back to reality and I found myself gazing into a different scene: the campfire we had made in the dirt. Sticks with their tips covered in gooey marshmallow littered the floor and just as the smoke off the fire floated into the air, laughter from our lips floated into a fit of silly-ness and simple joy. I couldn’t quite enjoy myself though. As much as i loved the scene of the country and the campfire, I couldn’t help but stare into the orange embers and think back to the summers between 5th and 10th grade. Those summers were filled with traveling from Sacramento to Southern California, to spend warm months at the beaches in Oceanside or Carlsbad.

I couldn’t stop recalling memory after memory that was filled with early morning jogs and late night cookouts in the fire pits on the beach. I’ll never forget the sound of guitar strumming as it played to the roll of the tide. I’ll never forget the sweet smell of s’mores clashing with the salty scent of the Pacific. I will never loose sight of the point where the sea and sky clashed; somewhere out there they just dissolved within each other, forming a great world of blue. It was in those months that I discovered some things about myself:

I love to travel. I always will. In state, out of state. In the country or internationally. I love to travel.

Another thing. As much as I love the fact that I moved to a “country stricken” environment for college and as much as i love chestnut colored horses and white picket fences, rolling hills and abandoned barns. As much as I could always  melt into the sweet smell of hay and the sight of tire swings and dirt roads, I’m just not that girl.

I will always be a beach girl. No matter where I live, close to the Coast or not, I will always be a Pacific Baby.

The best part though, is that no matter where in this great Earth God puts me, I will always be found under the the same great sky with the same sun and moon and stars. That is reassuring.

The most comforting thought though, is knowing that one day all of this will disappear and instead, we will all be found in a sky greater than what we could ever imagine. We will be found in the Great Forever. That fact is peace to my wandering soul and better than any beach or barn I could ever find myself in.

Shalom & Much Love,

Annette <3

Old Letters

Well, It’s done.

Classes are over and grades are in. Track season has finished up; no more hard practices at 4:30 every afternoon. Work study for the semester is over; No more Friday paychecks. The girls are moved out of the dorm; I finished my last checkout an hour ago.

It’s quiet up here. I’m sitting, listening to the blades of our mini fan spin around and around. I’m trying to get motivated to clean up my room. I just really want to clean, but I feel like I can’t. Not yet. Don’t ask me why, I just can’t yet. And I really want to go for a run… you know, to sweat everything out. And then shower and feel fresh and new. But I can’t seem to do that yet, either. What an odd feeling.

I really don’t know what to make of it, but it’s there. It’s like I’m in the mood to lay around and read old journal entries and old letters and look at old photo’s for hours. I want to be able to smile and look back and say “It was good” , about this year, before I clean and pack and plan and move.

Hmmm…. Old letters in a shoe box under my bed…. Haven’t pulled those out in a while.

Maybe I’ll go do that.

Shalom & Much Love,

Annette

Rain

I love the smell of the earth after a long, hard rain. Just like I love the sweat that drips off my body after a long hard run.

Rain:

It smells so fresh and new and raw. Like God decided to pour a bucket of hope on the world and cleanse everything with His grace.

(It is by grace that we are saved).

I love the smell of wet dirt. It’s so rustic and real. Like how it should smell. It’s as though old aromas, from the beginning  of time, decided to seep their way out of the ground. I love this smell so much, I could put my head to the earth and sleep in it.

(The Lord formed man from the dust of the ground).

I love the way that the trees drip raindrops from their branches. Like every leaf has been washed new. Leaves and grass, they look greener to me after the rain. The look more vibrant than they did before. Full or color and life and purpose.

(Reach out your hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever).

Yesterday night I found my spirit, once again, heavy with weight. My eyes rained salty tears that didn’t want to stop. I couldn’t help it. I went to bed that night feeling exhausted, not renewed.

This morning though, I woke to the smell of the earth after a long hard rain. Something inside me said “You’ll smell like that soon, Annette. Just be patient.” I can’t wait to smell fresh and new and real and raw. I can’t wait to feel alive and colorful an vibrant. I couldn’t really explain why I don’t feel that way now. But I do know that peace is coming soon. And I am excited for it.

God is once again teaching me that it is possible for our spirit to feel worn and weary, but hopeful and seeking at the same time. I am seeking, searching for something that just can’t be found at the moment. This terrifies and thrills me. It will rain, and the sun will come. We will be pure in the sight of the Lord, once again! We will be renewed and oh, what a moment that will be! The thought of it makes me want to dance!

What does God have planned? I do not know. What I do know, is that God’s love is unconditional and He washes us new everyday, by grace. By grace. I am drowning in a sea of grace, and I don’t even know it.

Thank you, Bwana.

Shalom & Much Love,

Annette

Family

It’s humbling for me to sit here , the day after my Girls Track Team won our Conference meet, and think: This is my family. Family.
What is that, really?

After traveling away from home, and spending many breaks with many families, I have come to learn that the word family is understated. Growing up, I never knew what a family was supposed to look like. I only knew that mom was mom and dad was dad. Sometimes they got along; most times not. And somewhere in between of that, were my sisters.

So now that i am here, in this little corner of Southwestern PA, I am thrilled to say that I have finally come to peace with the meaning of family.

It was not until this year, that I really saw my track team as a family though. It was not until I found myself in an ER room, learning to face the fact that I have early epilepsy, that I looked around and saw the faces of people that I knew were scared out of their minds… because they cared about me. It’s one thing to say that you care about someone. It’s another to walk through their struggles with them.

Coach Falvo became something like a father figure to me; and everyone else was was a hand to hold and really, to tightly grip. You think you are strong…. Until you are in a situation where you need people… and then people step up and want to help you. It’s in that moment that you learn to let go of trying to make it through by yourself, and you learn to make it through together. It’s that moment, that you become a family.

Over the season, my family of track girls… The girls that I have long runs with and speed workouts with. The girls that I thought were crazy, yet became my best friends… These girls… we became a family. And yesterday, we won our conference meet. We won it, not because we are overly talented. And not because we’ve won it every year (because we haven’t). We won it because we learned to embrace one another, in our up’s and down’s. We learned to be a family. <3

I am bursting at the seams with the fact that we worked so hard to get to where we are. And we did it together. <3

This is my family:

Waynesburg University Girls Track & Field PAC Champions, 2013

Waynesburg University Men’s & Women’s Track Team, 2013 — The Whole Family –

Shalom & Much Love,

<3 A

Radical Love

Can I ask you a question?

what would radical love have you do?

What, my friends, would radical love have you do? Radical love is explosion that toppled over the world and covered all the people, making them speechless but ready to move and ready to take action. When we lose love, we lose the influence that we can have on this world.

What if the defining characteristic of “Christians” was the love that we have for those around us. What if we stopped and listened to the still and steady whisper of the God of love. And what if we took that love and walked with it, passing it around like it was bread… because it is the bread of life.

We are free, free because of the love that God has so gracefully poured over us. So let me ask you, and let me ask myself: when we find ourselves surrounded by challenging situations that test our faith, what do you think radical love would have you do? Would it have you get frustrated and walk away? Because that’s what I do. Would it have you tell a lie and pretend that everything is OK? Because that’s what I do. That’s what I do and it is not right. It’s not love and it certainly is not radical.

I am challenging myself to think about this. The love God has for us is unconditional. So how could we, as followers of Christ, think it is okay to live one day at a time and not have unconditional love for one another. It’s so easy, i have found, to pray for people far away… to pray for those who we hear about. But to pray with your best friend, right there in the  moment that God placed you in, is so difficult. It’s so gutsy and hard and unnatural. Why? Because we’ve gotten comfortable.

So, friends, what would radical love have you do when you feel uncomfortable?

I think It would have you walk towards that which you are most uncomfortable with and have you reach out and touch that thing with all the Love of God that you have inside you. Because I would think that in something B.C, the man walking towards that cross up on a hill, was very uncomfortable.

Shalom & Much Love

<3 A

The Cross

I was feeling numb last night. Mentally and emotionally numb.

To be more honest, I have been feeling numb the past two weeks. It’s been a journey, and God’s hand has been on it all. But this journey, my journey, is about to get a lot longer. It’s like running the 10k. You’re ready. Physically and mentally ready. And when you start off, you feel so strong and prepared for anything. The middle of the race hits you and your legs are dead, your lungs are on fire and to be real, your just fighting to finish. I love the 10k. It’s a race that is new and exhilarating to me.

It’s also exhausting. Last night, I was so mentally exhausted, that I was numb.

I got to skype with Anaida last night though. She is a best friend of mine and a reminder of the Lord in my life. We journeyed through our last 2 years of high school together and although 2000 miles away, we journey together now.

Last night I saw her beautiful face and I shared with her all that has been happening in my life these  past 2 weeks. She was shocked and speechless… but only for a moment because then, she gave me a piece of advice that I did not even know I needed.

“Annette. We all have our own cross. My cross is no bigger or smaller than yours. We all have our own crosses and we do not need to compare or feel guilty for carrying one cross when someone else is carrying another. Does that make sense? God gave you this cross because it’s your story. It’s your story. It’s ok to be afraid and sad and scared. It’s human. Just keep carrying your cross.”

This story of carrying my cross got me thinking.

Today is Good Friday. What happened on Good Friday? Jesus carried the cross. HIS cross. And really, our cross too. He carried all our hardships and heartbreaks on the cross that day, so that one day, we could carry ours. Through weakness He was strong. And through our weakness, He is also strong.

Is that not beautiful?

Today is Friday…. But Sunday is coming.

I could not be more thrilled for the meaning of Easter, as I am this year.

Praise the Lord.

Shalom & Much Love,

Annette